Ask Karlicia: ” He left me for her, and now he wants me back.”

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Dear Karlicia:

I was with my fiance for 6 years up until last year, when he left me for a woman he was dating behind my back. He was honest and upfront, and told me that he had been seeing her for at least a year before he made the decision to break off our engagement. I’m sure you know already that my heart was broken. I was devastated, and didn’t even know if I was going to be able to live without him, and live with the embarrassment of him leaving me after all that time for someone new.

We kept in contact during the time he was with her, and we even continued to be sexually involved. Now after a year of him being with her, he is telling me he wants me back again. I love him with all my heart, and feel like we’re already back together, but I’m afraid of what people may say about me taking him back after all he’s done to me. What should I do?

Relationships can get complicated at times, but then there are times that we complicate relationships ourselves. In this case, I think it is the latter. There are a lot of things that went on that probably shouldn’t have, causing things to get even more complicated than they already were. This man not only was being dishonest and cheating behind your back. He chose to take things further with that woman and leave the relationship and history he built with you behind in order to take a chance on Ms. New Booty. I know that situation can hurt like hell, but it’s important to accept that reality for what it is. There is no reason whatsoever for you to be embarrassed about a selfish decision your partner made to leave the relationship behind. He walked out, not you. I’m going to assume you did your best to keep things going well between you two, and that’s all you can do. Don’t hold his cheating and his departure over your head as embarrassment. You did nothing wrong.

Where things went wrong is when you allowed him to continue having access to you once he made the decision to leave. He basically demoted you from the significant other role to the side chick role, switching you and the other woman’s roles with ease…and at the expense of your broken heart. The problem is that you willingly stepped up to the role. I get it. Don’t think for a second that I don’t. You love this man and have history with him. He was supposed to be your future husband. You feel that he was all yours first, so you feel that there’s nothing wrong with you still doing whatever you want with him. The trouble is you’re not only allowing him to treat you like a side option, but that you’re also willing to play a part in his act of deceiving and hurting someone else the same way he did you. I know that you love him, but you can’t let your love for him allow you to lower your standards and settle for whatever he is still willing to give you.

So now a year has gone by of you willingly being his piece on the side, and he has decided that he wants you back. The reality is that he thought the grass was greener on the other side, and actually made the decision to completely switch to that side. Now that he’s been on that side long enough to see that it’s not really all it’s cracked up to be (or she decided she wasn’t as interested in the “prize” once she “won” it), he wants to return and make you his significant other again. I will tell you this….the LEAST of your concerns should be what other people will think of you if you get back with him. His cheating, and the way he willingly put you aside to try a relationship with someone else is more of an issue than anything else.

I’m not going to tell you whether or not you should get back with him. That decision will be left totally up to you. I will tell you what you should do for you. Take some time for yourself and to yourself before you decide on getting back into a relationship. Not just with him, but with anyone. Because somewhere along the line, you got lost in him or the relationship in general, and loosened your grasp on your own self worth.  You began to place way too much value on having him around, whether all of him or just the pieces he allows, and forgot what you deserved in the first place. I don’t know how things were in the beginning with you two, but I do know that at some point in time he loved you enough to want to be with you and even take the next step of marriage with you.  Somewhere along the way disrespect, dishonesty, and selfishness began to take on major roles in the relationship. These are things that don’t just disappear. He has made it quite clear that these things are still a big part of him, as he is now trying to reverse you back into the “top spot” and demote this other woman once again. You have to make a decision on what you will allow in your life. Are you willing to give this man another chance to continue doing what he’s been doing to you and her the past year? Whatever you decide to do, make sure that you remember what you deserve, and don’t allow him or anyone else to make you settle for anything less than that.

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